last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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