her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
