Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
