he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
