I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
