none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
