The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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