he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
