Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
