Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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