do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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