I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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