Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
