I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
