why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
