i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Randomize
