I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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