That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
