You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
