I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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