My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
