I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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