Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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