I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
