i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Randomize
