apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
