My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
