Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
