Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
