someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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