I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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