for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How drunk are you?
Completed.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
