I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
