I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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