I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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