Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
