if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
