i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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