Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
