Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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