VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
