That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
