so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
