but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
