why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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