Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
