After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
