does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
