Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
