so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I party with great urgency now.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
