its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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