If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
